Difficulties with having a vampire boyfriend
by nsisdazl
Summary: This was based off a story I chanced upon. It was scarring enough for me to mock it. Bella is making out with gorgeous Edward Cullen. But what will happen when he...BITES her. Accidentally, of course.
1. He bites you while making out

**This was based off a fanfic I stumbled across. This is all in fun and all that stuff...Yeah, and I don't own Twilight. If I did, I'd know what happens in Breaking Dawn. Since I don't, _logically_, I am not Stephenie Meyer. I wrote this parody at 1:00 in the morning.**

The sunlight streamed through the window of Bella's room…nevermind that she was in Forks and the sun rarely shone. The sunlight hit Bella's angelic, gorgeous face, and somehow she didn't wake up from having glaring light in her face. The clock next to her bed read 5:30, yet the sun was as bright as if it were noon. No one can understand the insanity of the world of fanfiction.

There was a slight thump that you'd have to be a vampire to hear. Edward Cullen, in all his beautiful glory and mesmerizing gold eyes, landed outside of Bella's window. For some reason, Edward decided he wouldn't spend the night that night. And for some reason, the window was locked. And even odder, Edward, despite the millions of ways he could have entered the house besides the window, thousands of ways to unlock the window, and hundreds of ways he could have entered through the window silently, decided to smash the window and come in that subtle way.

Bella hardly even stirred at the loud destruction of her window, and somehow Charlie didn't hear it either. Maybe he couldn't because of his earthshaking snoring. This could account for Bella's hard of hearing. Maybe that's why Edward chose not to spend the night.

Though one wonders why he bothers when the inhabitants of the house did not stir when one of their windows broke, shameful behavior for a police chief, Edward crept catquiet into Bella's room. He paused for a second, supposedly to admire Bella's perfection and sigh about his earthbound angel and angst about how unworthy he was.

Suddenly, Bella stirred and returned to the land of the living! She manages to sleep through her father's snores and window shattering but the mere proximity to Edward woke her up! At least, that's the theory.

Bella fluttered her long, perfect eyelashes that shielded her melting chocolate eyes and peered at Edward seductively. He peered back down at her with mesmerizing golden eyes.

"Hello, Edward." Bella said in a husky voice, totally unlike her own.

"Bella? Is that you?" Edward replied, puzzled.

Bella coughed and cleared her throat.

"Sorry, throat's a bit raspy."

"Ah." Edward replied, understanding.

Bella blinked and squinted at the god like creature staring at her and her mind just now caught up to the fact that Edward, gorgeous, flawless Edward was looking at her. Nevermind that he'd been looking at her for the last two years.

"Oh, Edward!" She squeaked out.

"Oh, Bella!" He cried in ecstasy.

Bella jumped out of the bed and straight into Edward's arms, her brown hair swinging perfectly perfect behind her. In fact, it looked like she just finished a shampoo commercial. They promptly began to make out.

(A.N. At this point, I am too nauseated to describe the smooching, and besides that would bring the rating up to a M. So let's just say it's an hour after Bella just woke up and they're still making out.)

Cue big plot point.

Suddenly, despite TWO FREAKIN' YEARS of controlling himself around Bella, and NEARLY A CENTURY of controlling himself around humans, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen…the third(couldn't resist) fell off the wagon. He _accidentally_ bit Bella's lip.

Enter a surprised minute of staring at each other.

Then, with a great, dramatic gasp, Isabella Marie Swan fainted. Swooned. Passed out. Collapsed. Blacked out. Lost consciousness. Keeled over. Take your pick.

And Edward, for all his maturity, acted as if his favorite teddy bear had exploded.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My Bella! Mi Bella! Ma chérie! What will I do without you!"

Charlie continued snoring, unaware of the great drama and calamity that was unfolding in his house.

Then, a lightbulb went off of Edward's head. _Carlisle_.

Even though Edward went to medical school, like, _five times_, and went through college, who knows how many times, Edward just ran to his mommy. I mean, daddy.

Of course he scooped up Bella, and made sure his landing was gentle (even fanfiction Edward was considerate enough for that small necessity. After all, there can be no romance if one of the persons involved is dead.) And he never paused to think about what Charlie would think if he saw his daughter gone from her bed, and the window smashed. That's right, folks, Edward, the proverbial genius and overthinker, did not think about the consequences of his actions. Then again, this is fanfiction, where children have affairs and pedophiles lurk around every corner. So, I guess Charlie, responsible dad he is, would not think to check or care.

Edward ran to his house, and flung the door off its hinges in his haste. And Alice somehow did not see this coming. Maybe a werewolf was involved.

"CARLISLE!" Edward bellowed at the top of his lungs, forgetting that he was in a house of super-sensitive hearing vampires in his distress.

"What's wrong, Edward? Alice hasn't said anything would happen, nevermind that she _said_ she wasn't infallible, so surely there is no need for haste, yelling, or worry."

"Dude," Jasper said. "You're giving off bad vibes. It's giving the hamsters indigestion."

"_bit_herbutIswearthatIdidn'tmeantodon'tjudgeme!" Edward wailed.

"Like, totally." Jasper muttered. "That's just like groovy, man." And he wandered off to listen to calming music and meditate in the mauve meadow of musical maroon mermaids and magical magenta monkeys.

"Carlisle?" Edward said hopefully.

Carlisle stared at Bella's prone form for a long, agonizing minute. Then, Edward noticed what he was doing.

"Hey! Stop checking out my girlfriend! You've already got Esme!"

"I wasn't 'checking her out'." Carlisle retorted stiffly. "I am merely studying her body for injuries."

"Well? Anything?" Edward demanded.

"Hmm…." Carlisle stroked his chin. "I believe…" He stared for another minute until Edward couldn't take the tension anymore.

"What!"

"I have never seen anything like this before." Carlisle pronounced gravely, in the same tone one would use for an announcement of death.

Edward let out another heartwrenching, mournful howl. Faraway, a lone wolf pricked up his ears in surprise. Jacob Black shook his head and kept going. He was imagining things.

Then, el gaspo! Bella….awoke! She fluttered her insanely long lashes and looked gorgeous. In a blink of an eye, she _changed._ Cue shocked gasps.

Bella Swan was no longer human. Bella Swan was now a vampire. Bella Swan was now more gorgeous. Bella Swan….had brown eyes?

You heard right, peeps, Bella, even though she is a supposed newborn vamp, she has BROWN eyes not RED ones. I'm guessing being unique enough that Edward can't hear her mind isn't enough for her, no. She has to defy all logic for vampires too!

Edward grabbed her in a bonecrushing hug. I mean literally bonecrushing. Carlisle called down the family for a meeting.

"Bella is now officially part of our family with an appropriately angsty vampiric change."

"Huh?" Bella said intelligently.

"I mean, just look at us! Edward, Spanish influenza, Rosalie, raped, Esme, abusive family and _threw herself off a bloody cliff_, Emmett, mauled by a bear, Jasper, century in war, Alice, never knew who she was….. So, you see, to belong, you have to have an angsty past too."

"Being hunted down by James, then abandoned by Edward, then getting a deadline on my head from the Volturi, then being hunted by Victoria's not angsty enough for you?" Bella demanded.

"Good point. But, it's so much more romantic to be changed by a kiss…."

"Ooooh…." Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie said simultaneously, their only purpose to be background characters.

"Now, Bella, go and get your things. You're moving in!"

"I'll help you pack!" squealed Alice. "Pick me!Pick me!Pick me!Pick me!"

"Oooohhhh-kay…Alice." Bella said, confused by this sudden lack of maturity and evident sugar high.

So, both of them left the house, walking. At human speed. To Bella's house. Even though there are a number of cars available. Edward's Volvo, Carlisle's Mercedes, Alice's Porsche, Emmett's jeep, Rosalie's BMW, and Jasper's bike were all available, though it was a school day, and Carlisle had work. Eventually, they reached Bella's house. Bella rang the effin' doorbell, when it was her own house! Alice just smiled and looked cute. Charlie was up and watching a game, though he was supposed to be at work and wondering why Bella wasn't up yet. He got up and answered the door, looking unsurprised at seeing Bella and Alice on his porch.

"Howdy, Alice!" Charlie grinned. "My, Bella, you're looking pretty today!"

**It was at this point at which I gave up on the fanfic.**


	2. Gmail chat

**My friend Megan and I were chatting while I was writing my story. I thought maybe you'd like to hear her witty comments.**

11:05 PM **me**: MEGAN!

11:06 PM **Megan**: IT BEEPED THIS TIME!

**me**: OMIGOD YOU ANSWERED!

**Megan**: Yes, I realize that.

11:07 PM **me**: I'm writing a Twilight parody and typing to you while Remus' head it resting on my left arm. Man for such a small head, it sure it heavy and hard to type.

11:08 PM WHAT THE HEL---!!!!

11:09 PM WHAT JUST HAPPENED! ANSWER ME OR I'LL REACH THROUGH CYBERSPACE AND DISEMBOWEL YOU!

11:10 PM **Megan**: My internet has a mind of it's own and will by itself stop working for an unknown amount of time. This seens to happen often

seems

11:11 PM **me**: So, want to read what I have so far on my parody? It's based off that horrible fanfic I read a while back...

Your answer better not be neutral!

11:12 PM I WON'T TOLERATE THIS MUCH LONGER!

5 minutes

11:18 PM **Megan**: SEE!!!!

I am currently now thinking of many curses for my computer.

11:21 PM **me**: HI!

11:29 PM** Megan**: Finally!

11:30 PM **me**: You're back in the land of the living again I see.

**Megan**: Yes.

**me**: Why does your internet hate you so much?

11:31 PM **Megan**: I don't know. Hopefully my dad's doesn't because I'm using his computer now.

**me**: I ask again, do you or do you not want to read what little I have of my Twilight parody? No neutral answers!

**Megan**: Yes, sure!

**me**: I've trained you well.

All right, one fanfic coming up!

11:32 PM The sunlight streamed through the window of Bella's room…nevermind that she was in Forks and the sun rarely shone.

11:33 PM The sunlight hit Bella's angelic, gorgeous face, and somehow she didn't wake up from having glaring light in her face. The clock next to her bed read 5:30, yet the sun was as bright as if it were noon. No one can understand the insanity of the world of fanfiction.

There was a slight thump that you'd have to be a vampire to hear. Edward Cullen, in all his beautiful glory and mesmerizing gold eyes, landed outside of Bella's window. For some reason, Edward decided he wouldn't spend the night that night. And for some reason, the window was locked. And even odder, Edward, despite the millions of ways he could have entered the house besides the window, thousands of ways to unlock the window, and hundreds of ways he could have entered through the window silently, decided to smash the window and come in that subtle way.

Bella hardly even stirred at the loud destruction of her window, and somehow Charlie didn't hear it either. Maybe he couldn't because of his earthshaking snoring. This could account for Bella's hard of hearing. Maybe that's why Edward chose not to spend the night.

Though one wonders why he bothers when the inhabitants of the house did not stir when one of their windows broke, shameful behavior for a police chief, Edward crept catquiet into Bella's room. He paused for a second, supposedly to admire Bella's perfection and sigh about his earthbound angel and angst about how unworthy he was.

11:35 PM **Megan**: . . .

**me**: Well...I thought I trained you not to be neutral!

**Megan**: It was well written! Gosh!

11:36 PM **me**: Um...

**Megan**: It was just a little stange seeing as that's all you gave me and I get confused easily when it's late and I'm not given much!

**me**: Well, I'm still typing here! I'll send you the next bit I just finished!

11:37 PM Suddenly, Bella stirred and returned to the land of the living! She manages to sleep through her father's snores and window shattering but the mere proximity to Edward woke her up! At least, that's the theory.

**Megan**: Otherwise, it was wonderfull! Extraordinary! (is that better)

11:38 PM **me**: Yes. (Preens under all the flattery.) Now tell me what you REALLY think. Be brutal!

11:39 PM **Megan**: I told you what I really thought. It was well wriiten and a bit confusing. But only confusing to the point of give me more so that will not remain confused.

**me**: Hold on, more coming.

11:40 PM Bella fluttered her long, perfect eyelashes that shielded her melting chocolate eyes and peered at Edward seductively. He peered back down at her with mesmerizing golden eyes.

You know how sickening this is to write?

**Megan**: It's quite sickening to read, too. However well written it may be.

11:41 PM **me**: More now.

11:42 PM "Hello, Edward." Bella said in a husky voice, totally unlike her own.

"Bella? Is that you?" Edward replied, puzzled.

Bella coughed and cleared her throat.

"Sorry, throat's a bit raspy."

**Megan**: raises eybrow (that is, if it were possible for me to raise an eyebrow)

11:44 PM **me**: More now.

**Megan**:)

**me**: "Ah." Edward replied, understanding.

Bella blinked and squinted at the god like creature staring at her and her mind just now caught up to the fact that Edward, gorgeous, flawless Edward was looking at her. Nevermind that he'd been looking at her for the last two years.

"Oh, Edward!" She squeaked out.

**Megan**: Umm . . .

11:45 PM cough

This is so unlike you . . . are you okay?

11:46 PM I'll be right back! Don't go anywhere! And keep sending the story.

**me**: Okay!

"Oh, Bella!" He cried in ecstasy.

Bella jumped out of the bed and straight into Edward's arms, her brown hair swinging perfectly perfect behind her. In fact, it looked like she just finished a shampoo commercial.

6 minutes

11:53 PM **Megan**:(

**me**: They promptly began to make out.

(A.N. At this point, I am too nauseated to describe the smooching, and besides that would bring the rating up to a M. So let's just say it's an hour after Bella just woke up and they're still making out.)

Cue big plot point.

Suddenly, despite TWO FREAKIN' YEARS of controlling himself around Bella, and NEARLY A CENTURY of controlling himself around humans, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen…the third(couldn't resist) fell off the wagon. He accidentally bit Bella's lip.

Enter a surprised minute of staring at each other.

Then, with a great, dramatic gasp, Isabella Marie Swan fainted. Swooned. Passed out. Collapsed. Blacked out. Lost consciousness. Keeled over. Take your pick.

11:54 PM **Megan**: . . .

11:55 PM **me**: Hurry up.

11:56 PM WHERE ARE YOU!

**Megan**: fainted and passed out sounds too everyday, swooned too drmatic, collapsed sounds better, keeled over . . . i'm not sure about that one . . .

11:57 PM **me**: too bad. I'm having FUN!

Maybe I better write parodies all the time. Sarcasm's good for me.

11:58 PM **Megan**: That depends on how much I've eaten right before reading them

**me**: Sooooooo...having fun reading?

11:59 PM **Megan**: Yes, but be glad I don't get easily nauseated.

12:01 AM **me**: More...

12:02 AM And Edward, for all his maturity, acted as if his favorite teddy bear had exploded.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Bella! Mi Bella! La cherie! What will I do without you!"

Charlie continued snoring, unaware of the great drama and calamity that was unfolding in his house.

**Megan**: Oh gosh . . . .

12:03 AM What will he do? (said sarcastically)

12:05 AM **me**: Then, a lightbulb went off of Edward's head. Carlisle.

Even though Edward went to medical school, like, five times, and went through college, who knows how many times?

**Megan**: uh-huh . . . and . . .

12:06 AM **me**: Even though Edward went to medical school, like, five times, and went through college, who knows how many times, Edward just ran to his mommy. I mean, daddy.

**Megan**: that's nice, keep it coming.

12:08 AM **me**: Of course he scooped up Bella, and made sure his landing was gently(even fanfiction Edward was considerate enough for that small necessity. After all, there can be no romance if one of the persons involved is dead.)

12:09 AM **Megan**: If you have time to write this creepy parody how can you not find the time to continue OUR story, which Hannah is still asking me for?

12:11 AM **me**: And he never paused to think about what Charlie would think if he saw his daughter gone from her bed, and the window smashed. That's right, folks, Edward, the proverbial genius and overthinker, did not think about the consequences of his actions. Then again, this is fanfiction, where children have affairs and pedophiles lurk around every corner. So, I guess Charlie, responsible dad he is, would not think to check or care.

12:12 AM **Megan**: . . .

12:14 AM **me**: Edward ran to his house, and flung the door off its hinges in his haste. And Alice somehow did not see this coming. Maybe a werewolf was involved.

**Megan**: Or maybe he didn't make his decisions ahead of time . . .?

**me**: Good point.

12:15 AM **Megan**: I know.

12:16 AM Please continue

12:17 AM What was the name of that fanfiction you told me to read?

12:18 AM **me**: "CARLISLE!" Edward bellowed at the top of his lungs, forgetting that he was in a house of super-sensitive hearing vampires in his distress.

"What's wrong, Edward? Alice hasn't said anything would happen, nevermind that she said she wasn't infallible, so surely there is no need for haste, yelling, or worry."

"Dude," Jasper said. "You're giving off bad vibes. It's giving the hamsters indigestion."

**Megan**: Hamsters?

12:20 AM **me**: Yes, hamsters. Got a problem?

"BellaandIweremakingoutandthenIaccidentallybitherIdidn'tmeantodon'tlookatmelikethatsothenshelikefaintedandIhavenoideawhattodoHELPMECARLISLE!" Edward wailed.

Do you know how hard it is to type without indenting?!

**Megan**: No, I like hamsters.

No.

12:21 AM Yes.

Maybe.

**me**: spacing!

**Megan**: yes, it's aggravating.

12:22 AM **me**: "Like, totally." Jasper muttered. "That's just like groovy, man." And he wandered off to listen to calming music and meditate in the meadow of musical mermaids and magical monkeys.

12:23 AM **Megan**: Umm . . .

No comment . . .

12:24 AM **me**: I'm proud of myself, did you notice that tricky bit of alliteration.

**Megan**: Yes, I did notice.

**me**: Hey give me a color that starts with "m" and I'll add it to my parody.

**Megan**: magents

a

mauve

mud

12:25 AM **me**: thanks!

**Megan**: You're welcome!

12:29 AM . . . waiting . . .

**me**: Sorry!

"Like, totally." Jasper muttered. "That's just like groovy, man." And he wandered off to listen to calming music and meditate in the mauve meadow of musical maroon mermaids and magical magenta monkeys.

"Carlisle?" Edward said hopefully.

Carlisle stared at Bella's prone form for a long, agonizing minute. Then, Edward noticed what he was doing.

"Hey! Stop checking out my girlfriend! You've already got Esme!"

"I wasn't 'checking her out'." Carlisle retorted stiffly. "I am merely studying her body for injuries."

"Well? Anything?" Edward demanded.

"Hmm…." Carlisle stroked his chin. "I believe…" He stared for another minute until Edward couldn't take the tension anymore.

12:30 AM **Megan**: keep going . . . you can do it!

**me**: "What!"

"I have never seen anything like this before." Carlisle pronounced gravely, in the same tone one would use for an announcement of death.

12:31 AM **Megan**: never seen anything like it? he bit her! how could he have not seen anything like it?

**me**: Exactly.

12:32 AM **Megan**: Ah.

**me**: Edward let out another heartwrenching, mournful howl. Faraway, a lone wolf pricked up his ears in surprise. Jacob Black shook his head and kept going. He was imagining things.

12:33 AM **Megan**: going where?

**me**: This is at the end of Eclipse.

12:34 AM **Megan**: okay.

12:35 AM **me**: Then, el gaspo! Bella….awoke! She fluttered her insanely long lashes and looked gorgeous. In a blink of an eye, she changed. Cue shocked gasps.

**Megan**: shocked gasp

12:37 AM **me**: Bella Swan was no longer human. Bella Swan was now a vampire. Bella Swan was now more gorgeous. Bella Swan….had brown eyes?

**Megan**: Bella Swan is a complete and total cheat who can't possibly have brown eyes!

12:39 AM **me**: You heard right, peeps, Bella, even though she is a supposed newborn vamp, she has BROWN eyes not RED ones. I'm guessing being unique enough that Edward can't hear her mind isn't enough for her, no. She has to defy all logic for vampires too!

**Megan**: Hmm . . . intresting, very intresting . . .

12:43 AM . . .waiting . . .

12:44 AM **me**: Edward grabbed her in a bonecrushing hug. I mean literally bonecrushing. Carlisle called down the family for a meeting.

"Bella is now officially part of our family with an appropriately angsty vampiric change."

"Huh?" Bella said intelligently.

"I mean, just look at us! Edward, Spanish influenza, Rosalie, raped, Esme, abusive family and threw herself off a bloody cliff, Emmett, mauled by a bear, Jasper, century in war, Alice, never knew who she was….. So, you see, to belong, you have to have an angsty past too."

"Being hunted down by James, then abandoned by Edward, then getting a deadline on my head from the Volturi, then being hunted by Victoria's not angsty enough for you?" Bella demanded.

12:46 AM **Megan**: Seems pretty angsty, to me, I guess . . .

12:48 AM **me**: "Good point. But, it's so much more romantic to be changed by a kiss…."

"Ooooh…." Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie said simultaneously, their only purpose to be background characters.

"Now, Bella, go and get your things. You're moving in!"

"I'll help you pack!" squealed Alice. "Mememememememememememememememmemememememememe! Pick me!"

"Oooohhhh-kay……Alice." Bella said, confused by this sudden lack of maturity and evident sugar high.

12:51 AM **Megan**: I wish I had a surgar high right now . . . I take that back, my headache would only get worse than it is now . . .

**me**: So, both of them left the house, walking. At human speed. To Bella's house. Even though there are a number of cars available. Edward's Volvo, Carlisle's Mercedes, Alice's Porsche, Emmett's jeep, Rosalie's BMW, and Jasper's bike.

12:52 AM **Megan**: Yeah . . . umm . . .

12:56 AM Ahem . . .

**me**: Yes, I'm still here, I'm almost done!

**Megan**: k!

12:57 AM **me**: So, both of them left the house, walking. At human speed. To Bella's house. Even though there are a number of cars available. Edward's Volvo, Carlisle's Mercedes, Alice's Porsche, Emmett's jeep, Rosalie's BMW, and Jasper's bike were all available, though it was a school day, and Carlisle had work. Eventually, they reached Bella's house. Bella rang the effin' doorbell, when it was her own house! Alice just smiled and looked cute. Charlie was up and watching a game, though he was supposed to be at work and wondering why Bella wasn't up yet. He got up and answered the door, looking unsurprised at seeing Bella and Alice on his porch.

"Howdy, Alice!" Charlie grinned. "My, Bella, you're looking pretty today!"

12:58 AM **Megan**: Didn't you once complain to me about a fanfic like this?

12:59 AM **me**: Yes.

**Megan**: Are you going to reply to my email?

1:00 AM **me**: Umm...Is sleep deprived.

Will now post.

**Megan**: Okay . . .

1:04 AM **me:** What should I call the parody?

1:05 AM **Megan**: Hmm . . . What not to do when making out with your vampire boyfriend

Is also sleep deprived, sorry.

1:06 AM **me**: Niiiiiiiiiiiiice.

Muy apprecio.

**Megan**:)

1:07 AM Glad I could be of assistance!

1:10 AM **me**: Doesn't fit!

1:12 AM ANSWER ME!

1:13 AM **Megan**: I expected that . . .hmm . . . Why Vampires and Humans shouldn't Mix

Umm . . . Why Vampires and Blood don't mix

Oh, I don't know!

**me**: come on megan! One last shot and you can sleep...

1:14 AM An Angsty Way of Becoming a Vampire? My cousin suggested it.

**Megan**: Difficulties with having a Vampire Boyfriend

1:15 AM **me**: Cool.. I'll take it. A job well done. You can go to sleep now. Thanks for reading and stuff at one in the morning. And I still expect you to review.

**Megan**: I'm honored. YEA! SLEEP!

1:16 AM **me**: Bye!

**Megan**: Of course I'll review! Did you expect anything less? Bye!


End file.
